Ah, the things we do for loved ones …
This weekend, I went with my wife and her three adorable cousins to see the off, off-Broadway rendition of “30 Reasons Not To Be in a Play” at the eldest of her three cousins’ middle school. Now, when I signed up for this, I assumed my wife’s cousin was in the play.
So, instead of seeing this little girl which I absolutely adore performing on stage for the first time … I got to watch her friends. Thrilling.
Just as adults only go to little league games to watch their kids, the same goes for middle school plays. Because watching a family member perform in an otherwise boring event is cool; watching strangers’ family members is not.
At intermission, I texted a friend we were meeting out later that night. Upon telling him my horror story, he wrote back, “I smell a blog.”
Keeping with the play’s theme, here are 30 reasons NOT to go see a middle school play:
1. As they say in this particular play, “plays stink!”
2. And, unfortunately, so do middle schoolers. Seriously, what is that smell? Have we not discovered the joys of deodorant?
3. Middle schoolers are not really actors. (Except for that boy in the blue shirt. If he keeps his nose clean, he has a shot to be the next Matthew Broderick.)
4. Really, if these kids were actually good at this, they’d already be in rehab.
5. My wife and I were mistaken for parents …
6. … of a middle school student.
7. I no longer “get” middle school humor.
8. Plastic auditorium chairs that turn into desks make for an uncomfortable sitting experience.
9. I had to go to the suburbs to see this play. Enough said.
10. They’re kids, meaning I can’t boo when they suck.
11. Which, since they’re kids, is often.
12. I could have been watching the NFL Draft or the NBA Playoffs.
13. I shouldn’t be able to hear the clicking of a light switch when there are lighting changes on stage … yet I did.
14. Not to sound redundant, but I didn’t even know anyone in the play!
15. I didn’t like drama geeks when I was in middle school. Why would I want to spend a night with them now?
16. Did I mention being confused for a parent? Of a middle schooler?
17. No nudity.
18. No profanity.
19. No violence.
20. No alcohol.
21. Even at the middle school level, there were rumors of one of the lead actors being gay. And to think I expected better of 12-year-olds …
22. The show ended after 9 p.m.
23. Were these kids breaking curfew?
24. I had to pretend I liked it …
25. … until the seven-year-old I was with told me “it was boring.”
26. After the show, I overheard one of the actors make a comment about hiding from the paparazzi. Really???
27. The director of the show, a male teacher, was given flowers when you know all he wanted was a beer.
28. Or maybe that was just my sentiment.
29. Yes, I’m an adult. Yet being surrounded by parents still creeps me out.
30. Post-middle school play traffic jams are a bitch. (Okay, not really. But I was stuck at 29. Sue me for using creative license.)