Meet my new umbrella. (It’s the top picture. As opposed to the lightsaber.)
Yes, it’s big. And yellow. Bright yellow, in case you hadn’t noticed. (Big Bird comes to mind.)
When my small, convenient, simple black umbrella died, it was not my intention to replace it with an oversized glo stick. I went to CVS last night after work to purchase a new one (it was the only store open in my neighborhood at the time that sold umbrellas). I searched the store, but couldn’t find any. I asked the cashier where they kept the umbrellas and she told me, “in the back.” I went to the back. Still didn’t see any. Then I looked down and realized why.
There it was, a ransacked umbrella stand. “Crap, they’re all out of umbrellas!” I thought.
Upon further inspection, there were two umbrellas left, hanging to the side … two large, yellow umbrellas.
So, my choices were: A) Go to work wet all week or, B) buy the ugly-ass umbrella.
I tried to rationalize the purchase. I mean, it’s just an umbrella, right?
The first time I caught a glimpse of myself in a store window as I walked down the street with it open, I threw up in my mouth a little bit.
And then, there was the cashier at Key Food.
As I walked through the supermarket carrying my glo stick lightsaber umbrella, the cashier turned to me and shouted out, “that’s a really nice yellow umbrella,” her delivery perfectly towing the line between sincere and sarcastic.
Yes, that’s right. I got busted on by a Key Food cashier.
At that point, I felt the need to explain myself. So, I pleaded my case. I told her the sob story of how my umbrella died … and CVS was the only store open … and this was the only umbrella they had left … and how I had no other choice … waaah-waaah-waaah …
She wasn’t buying it.
With her friend looking on, she crossed the sincere/sarcastic line she was towing and went straight for the kill: “No! It’s nice! Very vibrant! Now, when you walk down the street, people will know it’s you!”
Key Food cashier: 1. Me: 0.
When I went to pay, she asked me if I had a Key Food card. “No,” I said. “Just a yellow umbrella.”
A yellow umbrella that can also be used at raves and to fight Darth Vader.